every now and agian i like to sit back and reflect on aspects of my life and why they are the way they are/ i sometimes explore my current situations and determine if i have control of them or not.
recently, i decided to brainstorm/reflect on my relationships with men...i'm beginning to notice patterns. every relationship i've been in has been a constant push or pull...let's just say i'm tired.
why is it that men don't like you when you are nice to them? i seem to get the best results when i am a complete and utter insensitive bitch who let's little lights of compassion and kindness(the maternal kind) shine through.
however that is not who i am. it's too draining being a bitch. i feel that life is too short to hold contempt and anger in your heart towards people. in everything i do and say i try my best to be genuine. i hate having to assert myself and "not put up with your bull shit" when the truth of the matter is that i'm not in love with you...so your bullshit doesn't faze me.
on the other hand taking the passive road has made me appear like an eager to please push-over...so when i do finally decide that i care about this person, however that old shit(as in bullshit) has to go...you know all the liberties of singledom...it's usually too late. and i come across as some crazy bitch, who was "cool at first and then flipped the script"...whatever that means :/
but since we're reflecting (more or less rambling) and not venting here, i'd like to say that it's all a matter of respect. if you respect me then i'll respect you. but then again some men don't respect and value themselves, so when you try to show them that you have those emotions/feelings toward them, some don't know what to do with themselves and put up a wall. and after all that pulling and luring you in, suddenly you're being pushed away and caste aside...next bitch!
...i think. correct me if i'm wrong.
i've always been told that if you do the same things you will always get the same results. however, i feel that the results are conclusive. all men are pretty much the same. same tricks and mental games...ultimately, one day, i feel i won't be in the mood to play.
i've always had false hopes about the men in my life. Starting with my father. i put him on a pedestal he didn't deserve. i know my father loves me though, just not the way i want him to. i chase my father for his attention...as i have come to do everyman i care about in my adult life. yet it was my father who probably gave me some of the best advice i have ever received:
"anyone/anything you chase in life runs away, put forth your personal best effort without losing yourself and what is meant to be shall be...when you're too busy chasing you can't stop and look behind to see the greatness from which you come...and anything great should be sought after."
hawa}:i:{
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