all i could ever be to you is a darkness that we knew...

and this regret i got accustomed to.

ahh adolescence...

ignorance can truly be bliss. my ignorance was more of an innocence. and then he took it..and ran. that was almost 5 years ago, and i can still clearly recall the details of that darkness...like his birthday...when he started growing his dreads...the marriage proposal...the baby...the women...the confusion...the butterflies i would get when i saw his name on the caller I.D.....i remember not always answering as to seem 'unavailible'...but the next day would hop in my car and go see him at the drop of a dime...all of the potentially deadly situations...the laced greenery...i remember skipping school to go see him...and him not answering my calls until after 3p.m. because he was asleep and had forgotten our plans...that he made ofcourse...then me thinking, 'i should've taken my ass to school'....the fast talking...the sweet talking...the lies...the pillow talk...6 hour phone conversations about our lives...our future...


and then he pulled his most gut wrenching and yet captivating trick of all...the one that keeps 'em coming back...the one where he disappears...again!
and now he and i back to square one...everyone has abandoned him because of his shady ways...however i'm addicted to the strange familiarity of his voice...his chuckle...i'm making him smile...and i can almost see it so i smile back...time truly does heal all wounds...he and i catch up like casual old friends avoiding any negative talk as to not ruin the 'magic' of this precious time... i'm amazed at the amount of bullshit the human mind is able to supress...i'm also amazed at myself for forgiving and forgetting so easily...scar tissue is the most delicate, never quite healing...and sensitive to the touch...you tell me how much you need and miss me...i miss him too...i think...perhaps just another play on my emotions...his baby is 3 now and has no mother...he tells me i'm best suited...should i be 'honored'...he needs me yet again...maybe another trick...his baby needs me..

he and i can never be...i remind myself as the operator reminds me that, "this call is from a... FEDERAL PRISON"...i shudder...i have MY future...he doesn't even have a court date...yet his baby needs me... 'this is not my life' i say to myself.

hawa}:i:{