why can't he embrace me? accept me? tonight is the sunday of my labor day weekend. i should've been in L.A. i should've been exploring the baldwin hills w/ the homie @jenniferpauline or tanning in marina del ray w/ @shashayee. instead im in the bay, on this extended stay. trying to make a few $$$ before i head back to the "A".
tonight i went to the shattuck downlow in berkeley, ca. as usual i was approached by @ least four men who only had intentions of using my body. after three hennesey and cokes he hit the stage. my ex that is. i love him still. +always will. he. my experience with him was one like no other. innocent puppy love. hours on the phone. telling stories of home. sharing jokes + foreign family grief. he spoke jamaican patois. i spoke krio. yet we were always on the same page. we met when i was 17. it was an exclusive magazine launch party. i had to have him. i approached him. mistake #1. i was the one that initiated the chase therefore becoming the pursuer.
and so it would be. he had only been in the U.S. 5 months when we met. he only struck interest to make up for the lack of mine. we were good friends, yes. lovers, no. the sex was quite cold. wasted experiences. trying to hold on. to the laughter. the uncertainty, he told me he loved me. i know he did. but it wasnt the way i deserved.
so here we are 6 years later. still hitting up the same spots. running in the same circles. he still gets territorial over me. in a way that screams, "i don't want you but i don't want anyone else to have you." the comradary is still there and always will be. i love him too.
♥ haiku
