and this regret i got accustomed to.
ahh adolescence...
ignorance can truly be bliss. my ignorance was more of an innocence. and then he took it..and ran. that was almost 5 years ago, and i can still clearly recall the details of that darkness...like his birthday...when he started growing his dreads...the marriage proposal...the baby...the women...the confusion...the butterflies i would get when i saw his name on the caller I.D.....i remember not always answering as to seem 'unavailible'...but the next day would hop in my car and go see him at the drop of a dime...all of the potentially deadly situations...the laced greenery...i remember skipping school to go see him...and him not answering my calls until after 3p.m. because he was asleep and had forgotten our plans...that he made ofcourse...then me thinking, 'i should've taken my ass to school'....the fast talking...the sweet talking...the lies...the pillow talk...6 hour phone conversations about our lives...our future...
and then he pulled his most gut wrenching and yet captivating trick of all...the one that keeps 'em coming back...the one where he disappears...again!
and now he and i back to square one...everyone has abandoned him because of his shady ways...however i'm addicted to the strange familiarity of his voice...his chuckle...i'm making him smile...and i can almost see it so i smile back...time truly does heal all wounds...he and i catch up like casual old friends avoiding any negative talk as to not ruin the 'magic' of this precious time... i'm amazed at the amount of bullshit the human mind is able to supress...i'm also amazed at myself for forgiving and forgetting so easily...scar tissue is the most delicate, never quite healing...and sensitive to the touch...you tell me how much you need and miss me...i miss him too...i think...perhaps just another play on my emotions...his baby is 3 now and has no mother...he tells me i'm best suited...should i be 'honored'...he needs me yet again...maybe another trick...his baby needs me..
he and i can never be...i remind myself as the operator reminds me that, "this call is from a... FEDERAL PRISON"...i shudder...i have MY future...he doesn't even have a court date...yet his baby needs me... 'this is not my life' i say to myself.
hawa}:i:{
Monday, October 29, 2007
no, not you too!!!...me and my false hopes :/
every now and agian i like to sit back and reflect on aspects of my life and why they are the way they are/ i sometimes explore my current situations and determine if i have control of them or not.
recently, i decided to brainstorm/reflect on my relationships with men...i'm beginning to notice patterns. every relationship i've been in has been a constant push or pull...let's just say i'm tired.
why is it that men don't like you when you are nice to them? i seem to get the best results when i am a complete and utter insensitive bitch who let's little lights of compassion and kindness(the maternal kind) shine through.
however that is not who i am. it's too draining being a bitch. i feel that life is too short to hold contempt and anger in your heart towards people. in everything i do and say i try my best to be genuine. i hate having to assert myself and "not put up with your bull shit" when the truth of the matter is that i'm not in love with you...so your bullshit doesn't faze me.
on the other hand taking the passive road has made me appear like an eager to please push-over...so when i do finally decide that i care about this person, however that old shit(as in bullshit) has to go...you know all the liberties of singledom...it's usually too late. and i come across as some crazy bitch, who was "cool at first and then flipped the script"...whatever that means :/
but since we're reflecting (more or less rambling) and not venting here, i'd like to say that it's all a matter of respect. if you respect me then i'll respect you. but then again some men don't respect and value themselves, so when you try to show them that you have those emotions/feelings toward them, some don't know what to do with themselves and put up a wall. and after all that pulling and luring you in, suddenly you're being pushed away and caste aside...next bitch!
...i think. correct me if i'm wrong.
i've always been told that if you do the same things you will always get the same results. however, i feel that the results are conclusive. all men are pretty much the same. same tricks and mental games...ultimately, one day, i feel i won't be in the mood to play.
i've always had false hopes about the men in my life. Starting with my father. i put him on a pedestal he didn't deserve. i know my father loves me though, just not the way i want him to. i chase my father for his attention...as i have come to do everyman i care about in my adult life. yet it was my father who probably gave me some of the best advice i have ever received:
"anyone/anything you chase in life runs away, put forth your personal best effort without losing yourself and what is meant to be shall be...when you're too busy chasing you can't stop and look behind to see the greatness from which you come...and anything great should be sought after."
hawa}:i:{
recently, i decided to brainstorm/reflect on my relationships with men...i'm beginning to notice patterns. every relationship i've been in has been a constant push or pull...let's just say i'm tired.
why is it that men don't like you when you are nice to them? i seem to get the best results when i am a complete and utter insensitive bitch who let's little lights of compassion and kindness(the maternal kind) shine through.
however that is not who i am. it's too draining being a bitch. i feel that life is too short to hold contempt and anger in your heart towards people. in everything i do and say i try my best to be genuine. i hate having to assert myself and "not put up with your bull shit" when the truth of the matter is that i'm not in love with you...so your bullshit doesn't faze me.
on the other hand taking the passive road has made me appear like an eager to please push-over...so when i do finally decide that i care about this person, however that old shit(as in bullshit) has to go...you know all the liberties of singledom...it's usually too late. and i come across as some crazy bitch, who was "cool at first and then flipped the script"...whatever that means :/
but since we're reflecting (more or less rambling) and not venting here, i'd like to say that it's all a matter of respect. if you respect me then i'll respect you. but then again some men don't respect and value themselves, so when you try to show them that you have those emotions/feelings toward them, some don't know what to do with themselves and put up a wall. and after all that pulling and luring you in, suddenly you're being pushed away and caste aside...next bitch!
...i think. correct me if i'm wrong.
i've always been told that if you do the same things you will always get the same results. however, i feel that the results are conclusive. all men are pretty much the same. same tricks and mental games...ultimately, one day, i feel i won't be in the mood to play.
i've always had false hopes about the men in my life. Starting with my father. i put him on a pedestal he didn't deserve. i know my father loves me though, just not the way i want him to. i chase my father for his attention...as i have come to do everyman i care about in my adult life. yet it was my father who probably gave me some of the best advice i have ever received:
"anyone/anything you chase in life runs away, put forth your personal best effort without losing yourself and what is meant to be shall be...when you're too busy chasing you can't stop and look behind to see the greatness from which you come...and anything great should be sought after."
hawa}:i:{
stead fast on the optimism path...
passing through as easliy as your words. actions speak in volumes. at times only to be seen and not heard. when it's all for show. is it fiction or fantasy? all lies. the only thing real is emotion. so much time spent reading. i've forgotten how to write. so much time spent between the lines. the valuable shit is in fine print. i've ignored the BOLD text. i find it too distracting. new year! new me! new cliche'. same shit. different day. still blown!
I can have another you in a minute...oh he's already here
Ladies,
don't ever forget the power you harness... when it comes to men, "PICK, CHOOSE, and REFUSE!"....because most of them are full of shit!
*The End*
hawa}:i:{
don't ever forget the power you harness... when it comes to men, "PICK, CHOOSE, and REFUSE!"....because most of them are full of shit!
*The End*
hawa}:i:{
So, I got stood up today...I'm an artist/I'm too sensitive for this shit!
So, I got stood up for my lunch date today...lol...I'm not even feeling any type of way, all I can do is laugh...Why is it that men make it a point to inconvenience and piss you off at the same time?...If my limits are being tested...I'm not in the FUCKING MOOD!!!...It's the holiday season!....This is the shit I'm talking about.
I was minding my own business and you interrupted my life. Just to bring more chaos to it.why does one suggest an activity SMACK DAB (and yes I said "SMACKDAB"...that's just the kind of mood I'm in right now.)in the MIDDLE of one's day...call and confirm...even go as far to ask if one is dressed yet...then proceed to inform the other that they will be calling them in 30mins and to be ready...and 2 hours or should I say 2 1/2 hours later since that call. here i am . blogging!where's the weed man!?! See this one of the many reasons i inhale that refer! If I didn't I'd be one pissed off BITCH. I'm an artist, I'm too sensitive for this shit called "romance and relationships"...where the fuck is the romance? standing someone up is definitely not romantic...it is, however, a great way to end something that hasn't even started.
oh my tortured soul!!!! lol :)
[HAH-WAH!}
I was minding my own business and you interrupted my life. Just to bring more chaos to it.why does one suggest an activity SMACK DAB (and yes I said "SMACKDAB"...that's just the kind of mood I'm in right now.)in the MIDDLE of one's day...call and confirm...even go as far to ask if one is dressed yet...then proceed to inform the other that they will be calling them in 30mins and to be ready...and 2 hours or should I say 2 1/2 hours later since that call. here i am . blogging!where's the weed man!?! See this one of the many reasons i inhale that refer! If I didn't I'd be one pissed off BITCH. I'm an artist, I'm too sensitive for this shit called "romance and relationships"...where the fuck is the romance? standing someone up is definitely not romantic...it is, however, a great way to end something that hasn't even started.
oh my tortured soul!!!! lol :)
[HAH-WAH!}
this time last year... Friday, December 22, 2006
Around this time last yearI was in sweet salone without a fear
My 'refer inhilation' makes it all not so badGo to work, smoke, and sleep-then I'm not so mad
I was at the beach coaxing lemon and salt seasoned clams out of their habitats
Who knew a year later I'd be home alone for christmas with two dogs and a cat
My jamba consumption makes it all not so badGo to work, smoke, and sleep-then I'm not so mad.
Sounds like a presciription for cardiovascular disease
But hey as long as the boys still find me to be a tease.
My ganja habit makes it all not so badGo to work, smoke, and sleep-then I'm not so mad
I thougt the feelings were mutual but I must've been wrong
Fuck that no use crying, instead i'll light this bong!
My 'refer inhilation' makes it all not so badGo to work, smoke, and sleep-then I'm not so mad!
My 'refer inhilation' makes it all not so badGo to work, smoke, and sleep-then I'm not so mad
I was at the beach coaxing lemon and salt seasoned clams out of their habitats
Who knew a year later I'd be home alone for christmas with two dogs and a cat
My jamba consumption makes it all not so badGo to work, smoke, and sleep-then I'm not so mad.
Sounds like a presciription for cardiovascular disease
But hey as long as the boys still find me to be a tease.
My ganja habit makes it all not so badGo to work, smoke, and sleep-then I'm not so mad
I thougt the feelings were mutual but I must've been wrong
Fuck that no use crying, instead i'll light this bong!
My 'refer inhilation' makes it all not so badGo to work, smoke, and sleep-then I'm not so mad!
It's so lonely in the darkroom..
six hours later and only three good prints. I want more. There's so much more that I see, is it my camera that's failing me? I wanted so much more. I want to give up...go home...it's already after 10pm...but I think there's still hope for negative ..17...If I just dodge the bottom half for for a good 15 seconds...and leave the apperature at eight...fuck it...it's been six hours...I'm already tardy...oh well one more won't hurt...
when I reach home...its after 11...my friends are already out and enjoying their youth...if I hurry, I can make it...my feet hurt...damned dark room... all damn day...I'm 20...I'm bitter...why don't I have a "FULL" life...but more importantly...why do my feet hurt?...and then my heart..
it's so lonely in the darkroom, and that's what my world has become...a little darkroom with damaged filters and equiptment from the eighties. But don't cry for me...the darkroom loves me and I am it's inamorata...It brings out my best and worst...it brings "ME" out...isolated me...yes...but at the same time exposed me}:i:{
*throughout this blog you may have heard little innuendoes to photographical terms, all puns were intended:)
when I reach home...its after 11...my friends are already out and enjoying their youth...if I hurry, I can make it...my feet hurt...damned dark room... all damn day...I'm 20...I'm bitter...why don't I have a "FULL" life...but more importantly...why do my feet hurt?...and then my heart..
it's so lonely in the darkroom, and that's what my world has become...a little darkroom with damaged filters and equiptment from the eighties. But don't cry for me...the darkroom loves me and I am it's inamorata...It brings out my best and worst...it brings "ME" out...isolated me...yes...but at the same time exposed me}:i:{
*throughout this blog you may have heard little innuendoes to photographical terms, all puns were intended:)
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