Mustang Sally ♥s That Old White Lady

so, i've decided to puchase one of these. 1979 mercedes 500sl. it reminds me of a car that a rich old white woman would drive on the weekend. deep down i feel that i am just a rich old white woman + i'd like to live her weekend life everyday.

or one of these. 1965 ford mustang.

that is all. if you'd like to make me happy. surprise me with one. i love surprises ;o]

i know he loves me

but its not the way i want him to.

why can't he embrace me? accept me? tonight is the sunday of my labor day weekend. i should've been in L.A. i should've been exploring the baldwin hills w/ the homie @jenniferpauline or tanning in marina del ray w/ @shashayee. instead im in the bay, on this extended stay. trying to make a few $$$ before i head back to the "A".

tonight i went to the shattuck downlow in berkeley, ca. as usual i was approached by @ least four men who only had intentions of using my body. after three hennesey and cokes he hit the stage. my ex that is. i love him still. +always will. he. my experience with him was one like no other. innocent puppy love. hours on the phone. telling stories of home. sharing jokes + foreign family grief. he spoke jamaican patois. i spoke krio. yet we were always on the same page. we met when i was 17. it was an exclusive magazine launch party. i had to have him. i approached him. mistake #1. i was the one that initiated the chase therefore becoming the pursuer.

and so it would be. he had only been in the U.S. 5 months when we met. he only struck interest to make up for the lack of mine. we were good friends, yes. lovers, no. the sex was quite cold. wasted experiences. trying to hold on. to the laughter. the uncertainty, he told me he loved me. i know he did. but it wasnt the way i deserved.

so here we are 6 years later. still hitting up the same spots. running in the same circles. he still gets territorial over me. in a way that screams, "i don't want you but i don't want anyone else to have you." the comradary is still there and always will be. i love him too.

♥ haiku

all i could ever be to you is a darkness that we knew...

and this regret i got accustomed to.

ahh adolescence...

ignorance can truly be bliss. my ignorance was more of an innocence. and then he took it..and ran. that was almost 5 years ago, and i can still clearly recall the details of that darkness...like his birthday...when he started growing his dreads...the marriage proposal...the baby...the women...the confusion...the butterflies i would get when i saw his name on the caller I.D.....i remember not always answering as to seem 'unavailible'...but the next day would hop in my car and go see him at the drop of a dime...all of the potentially deadly situations...the laced greenery...i remember skipping school to go see him...and him not answering my calls until after 3p.m. because he was asleep and had forgotten our plans...that he made ofcourse...then me thinking, 'i should've taken my ass to school'....the fast talking...the sweet talking...the lies...the pillow talk...6 hour phone conversations about our lives...our future...


and then he pulled his most gut wrenching and yet captivating trick of all...the one that keeps 'em coming back...the one where he disappears...again!
and now he and i back to square one...everyone has abandoned him because of his shady ways...however i'm addicted to the strange familiarity of his voice...his chuckle...i'm making him smile...and i can almost see it so i smile back...time truly does heal all wounds...he and i catch up like casual old friends avoiding any negative talk as to not ruin the 'magic' of this precious time... i'm amazed at the amount of bullshit the human mind is able to supress...i'm also amazed at myself for forgiving and forgetting so easily...scar tissue is the most delicate, never quite healing...and sensitive to the touch...you tell me how much you need and miss me...i miss him too...i think...perhaps just another play on my emotions...his baby is 3 now and has no mother...he tells me i'm best suited...should i be 'honored'...he needs me yet again...maybe another trick...his baby needs me..

he and i can never be...i remind myself as the operator reminds me that, "this call is from a... FEDERAL PRISON"...i shudder...i have MY future...he doesn't even have a court date...yet his baby needs me... 'this is not my life' i say to myself.

hawa}:i:{

no, not you too!!!...me and my false hopes :/

every now and agian i like to sit back and reflect on aspects of my life and why they are the way they are/ i sometimes explore my current situations and determine if i have control of them or not.

recently, i decided to brainstorm/reflect on my relationships with men...i'm beginning to notice patterns. every relationship i've been in has been a constant push or pull...let's just say i'm tired.
why is it that men don't like you when you are nice to them? i seem to get the best results when i am a complete and utter insensitive bitch who let's little lights of compassion and kindness(the maternal kind) shine through.

however that is not who i am. it's too draining being a bitch. i feel that life is too short to hold contempt and anger in your heart towards people. in everything i do and say i try my best to be genuine. i hate having to assert myself and "not put up with your bull shit" when the truth of the matter is that i'm not in love with you...so your bullshit doesn't faze me.

on the other hand taking the passive road has made me appear like an eager to please push-over...so when i do finally decide that i care about this person, however that old shit(as in bullshit) has to go...you know all the liberties of singledom...it's usually too late. and i come across as some crazy bitch, who was "cool at first and then flipped the script"...whatever that means :/

but since we're reflecting (more or less rambling) and not venting here, i'd like to say that it's all a matter of respect. if you respect me then i'll respect you. but then again some men don't respect and value themselves, so when you try to show them that you have those emotions/feelings toward them, some don't know what to do with themselves and put up a wall. and after all that pulling and luring you in, suddenly you're being pushed away and caste aside...next bitch!

...i think. correct me if i'm wrong.

i've always been told that if you do the same things you will always get the same results. however, i feel that the results are conclusive. all men are pretty much the same. same tricks and mental games...ultimately, one day, i feel i won't be in the mood to play.
i've always had false hopes about the men in my life. Starting with my father. i put him on a pedestal he didn't deserve. i know my father loves me though, just not the way i want him to. i chase my father for his attention...as i have come to do everyman i care about in my adult life. yet it was my father who probably gave me some of the best advice i have ever received:
"anyone/anything you chase in life runs away, put forth your personal best effort without losing yourself and what is meant to be shall be...when you're too busy chasing you can't stop and look behind to see the greatness from which you come...and anything great should be sought after."

hawa}:i:{

stead fast on the optimism path...

passing through as easliy as your words. actions speak in volumes. at times only to be seen and not heard. when it's all for show. is it fiction or fantasy? all lies. the only thing real is emotion. so much time spent reading. i've forgotten how to write. so much time spent between the lines. the valuable shit is in fine print. i've ignored the BOLD text. i find it too distracting. new year! new me! new cliche'. same shit. different day. still blown!

I can have another you in a minute...oh he's already here

Ladies,

don't ever forget the power you harness... when it comes to men, "PICK, CHOOSE, and REFUSE!"....because most of them are full of shit!

*The End*

hawa}:i:{

So, I got stood up today...I'm an artist/I'm too sensitive for this shit!

So, I got stood up for my lunch date today...lol...I'm not even feeling any type of way, all I can do is laugh...Why is it that men make it a point to inconvenience and piss you off at the same time?...If my limits are being tested...I'm not in the FUCKING MOOD!!!...It's the holiday season!....This is the shit I'm talking about.

I was minding my own business and you interrupted my life. Just to bring more chaos to it.why does one suggest an activity SMACK DAB (and yes I said "SMACKDAB"...that's just the kind of mood I'm in right now.)in the MIDDLE of one's day...call and confirm...even go as far to ask if one is dressed yet...then proceed to inform the other that they will be calling them in 30mins and to be ready...and 2 hours or should I say 2 1/2 hours later since that call. here i am . blogging!where's the weed man!?! See this one of the many reasons i inhale that refer! If I didn't I'd be one pissed off BITCH. I'm an artist, I'm too sensitive for this shit called "romance and relationships"...where the fuck is the romance? standing someone up is definitely not romantic...it is, however, a great way to end something that hasn't even started.

oh my tortured soul!!!! lol :)
[HAH-WAH!}